Usually I don't go right to the back of the book, but in this one it kind of serves as a table of contents since at the beginning he just jumps right to the traits of white people. Now, of course, we all know that there is no way to write a book on ALL of the things that any one race does. Even if you think that you did, you would always end up causing arguments, disagreements, and hurt feelings. However, there is no denying that in a such a book there will always be at least one thing that you can agree that you do or that someone of your race does. Anyway, I just wanted to get that thought out of the way before I proceeded into the contents of the book.
So, as I was writing before, in the back of the book he lists all of the 150 traits in a check-off list and then you have the opportunity to tally up your checkmarks at the end to determine your whiteness percentage lol. I must admit I do ALOT of things on this list. Those traits have to do with coffee, religions their parents don't belong to, film festivals, assists, farmer's markets, organic food, diversity, Barack Obama, making you feel bad for not going outside, Wes Anderson movies, Asian girls, nonprofit organizations, tea, having black friends, yoga, gifted children, hating their parents, awareness, international travel, being an expert on your culture, writer's workshops, having two last names, microbreweries,wine, David Sedaris, Manhattan (and Brooklyn, too!), marathons, not having a TV, '80s night, Wrigley Field, snowboarding, veganism/vegetarianism, marijuana, architecture, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart/The Colbert Report, brunch, renovations, Arrested Development, Netflix, Apple products, indie music, sushi, plays, public radio, Asian fusion food, the Sunday New York Times, Liberal Arts degrees, Whole Foods and grocery co-ops, vintage, irony, living by the water, Sarah Silverman, dogs, kitchen gadgets, apologies, lawyers, documentaries, Japan, natural medicine, Toyota Prius, bicycles, knowing what's best for poor people, expensive sandwiches, recycling, coed sports, divorce, standing still at concerts, Michael Gondry, Mos Def, difficult breakups, being the only white person around, study abroad, gentrification, Oscar parties, threatening to move to Canada, bottles of water, musical comedy, multilingual children, modern furniture, the idea of soccer, graduate school, hating corporations, bad memories of high school, t-shirts, The Wire, shorts, outdoor performance clothes, having gay friends, St. Partick's Day dinner parties, San Francisco, music piracy, Rugby, New Balance shoes, beards, having children in their late thirties, red hair, Noam Chomsky, non-motorized boating, the Boston Red Sox, scarves, cleanses, self-deprecating humor, integrity, pretending to be a Canadian when traveling abroad, the Criterion collection, natural childbirth, high school English teachers, native wisdom, trying too hard, Portland Oregon, free health care, Che Guevera,, The New Yorker, non-American news sources, subtitles, premium juice, the ACLU, plaid, platonic friendships, reusable shopping bags, acoustic covers, Dave Chappelle, Tibet, Nintendo Wii, conspiracies, The Simpsons, avoiding confrontation, DJs, carbon offsets, following their dreams, not having cash, adopting foreign children, LEED certification, expensive strollers, singer-songwriters, eating outside, books, music festivals, glasses, McSweeney's, hardwood floors, bakeries, modern art museums, cheese, therapy, public transportation that is not a bus, dive bars, self-importance, and rock climbing. Any of them sound like you would be involved in it too? Watch out! You just might act more white than you think lol.
Everything in this book is hilarious so I'm just going to randomly pick say 10 different page numbers and let you in on the funny! Alright so the first page number is 10. On this page we find, the subjects Barack Obama and making you feel bad for not going outside. White people like Barack Obama because they are afraid that if they don't they will be considered racist. Lol and that is all that Christian said on that subject. As for the other subject, Christian mentions that white people love to be outside. It is hardwired in white people's minds that the greatest thing anyone can do in their free time is hike/bike/walk outdoors. So for instance, if a white person sees you about to sit down on the couch and enjoy a game, they will that you are wasting your life away. If you ignore them though, they will eventually go away.
The next page number is 84 and on here we find the subject of divorce. If you are in a room with more than five white people, it is a statistical certainty that at least two of them have divorced parents and at least one has an ex-wife or husband. In fact, the combination of alcohol and stories about divorce is the easiest and most efficient way to gain the trust and admiration of a white person. If the man/woman is going through a divorce, do not be too concerned. A lifetime of difficult breakups has prepared them. The best thing that you can do is just assure them that they deserve better.
On page 123 of this definitve guide to white people, we are taught about how they view music piracy. White people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. When you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he doesn't immediately start talking about his right to pirate music, he will rattle off statistics about how most musicians don't make money from albums. He will walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties, and creativity. Because of the availability of music online, a very strict social hierachy has been created within the white culture whereby someone with a large MP3 collection is considered "normal," a large CD collection is considered to be "better," and a person with a large vinyl collection is recognized as "elite." It is recommended, however, that you do not let this conversation about music drag on much longer or you will be subject to them talking for hours about bands you've never heard of.
On to page 6 we go and there we find the subjects assists and farmer's markets. We all know that in the game of basketball, passing is a must. Trying to be a white guy who dunks is like trying to be a white rapper -- yea, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results. One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades, so passing is a way to make up for it. More importantly, it makes them feel good to help others. White people like farmer's markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies and small businesses. Some of the other reasons include: it's outside, they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people.
Now on to page 199. I've never even heard of a dive bar and since I always like learning something new, I enjoyed reading this part. Anyway, a dive bar is a place with cheap drinks and minimal decoration that was formerly frequented by those who dislike white people. For white people who do not like to dance, it is acknowledged as the best place to spend a night out. A common fantasy is for a white person to "discover" a dive bar and quickly become a fixture at the place so that the regulars will accept them as one of their own. After white people have found a good dive bar, they slowly start to take over by bringing friends who bring friends who bring friends who bring friends lol. By the time they have taken over, all of the original locals have moved on from the bar. If you are one of the remaining locals, you can always count on a free drink from that original white person to toast to the good old days.
Here on page 176, we learn all about how white people feel about following their dreams. White people are required to support anyone who decides to follow their dreams, regardless of the likelihood of success. Generally a white person is most likely to follow their dream between the ages of 18 and 25. The majority will wait until they finish college before moving away to chase their dream of being an actor, writer, photographer, director, artist, musician, DJ or producer. Regardless of how catastrophic and irresponsible their actions are, if the end goal is to "follow their dreams" you must support them blindly or else you will be seen as a Simon Cowell-esque figure who is hated by all as a crusher of hope.
On page 196, we are thrust into the wonderful world of cheese lol. White people are expected to have an extensive and deep knowledge of cheese, cheese regions, and proper cheese pairings. Knowing your way around a cheese plate can help to improve your standing with white people in an instant. It is best to treat cheese like indie music in so much as it's best to like cheese that no one has ever heard of. If you are planning on hosting an event with white people, it's a good idea to head over to a gourmet store and visit its cheese section. Next all you have to do is take notes on what the cheese guy says and then repeat all of it at your party.
White people are absolutely crazy for Netflix because all of them are convinced that there is a global conspiracy to keep good, independent, groundbreaking films from mainstream distribution. Page 46 also tells us that to them, Netflix is a brand-new way for independent filmmakers to find an audience. By subscribing, white people believe that they are changing the film industry, supporting innovation, and contributing to a cultural revolution in film.
Let's move on to page 12 where we get to learn all about white people and their love for Asian girls lol. White men love Asian women so much that they will go to extremes like stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA. Another factor that draws white guys to Asian women is that white women are jealous of them. When white guy and Asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are aesthetically pleasing but annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the Asian peoples in the population race, as the hybrids often act white rather than Asian.
Last but not least, in this book we learn that white people love having black friends. This article starts on page 15 and is very funny and, to some, enlightening. The most important role that black friends can play in white culture is that they can be used as physical evidence that white people are not racist. Black friends can also be used to confirm that a white person is knowledgeable about African-American culture. Many white people are constantly trying to recognized as experts, and many consider it a life achievement to be befriended by a black person. Also note that all white people fantasize about being brought to an authentic "African-American" experience such as a Baptist church or a barbecue restaurant in a neighborhood that they are afraid of. Dating, marrying, and having a child with a black person is seen as one of the greatest things a white person can do. It delivers a lifetime of opportunities to get offended and feel superior to friends with white children.
As you can see from the first few paragraphs, there are so many traits in this book to cover but time is running away from me. I would loved to type about rock climbing, expensive sandwiches, and The Simpsons lol. However, if you are curious as to more of the information found in this book that I did not cover, please feel free to leave a comment.
Until next time!
~BB~
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